Please Say You Speak English.

You feel bad doing any kind of whining while you're sitting in your apartment in Spain, thinking about what 12th century historic landmark you'd like to visit today. But I have a few complaints.

Don't get me wrong, I love being here. I love the culture that I'm immersed in every day. I love learning so many new things. I love the people, I love the feel of the city, I love getting to be here with Nathan. But being in a foreign country, without being able to speak the language while unemployed is hard. The people here are always friendly and definitely willing to help you out but I hate being that girl who can't do anything herself.

I've struggled the most with not speaking the language. Before I left Edmonton, I understood that it wouldn't be easy. But you don't realize how hard it is to do the smallest thing, until you're standing in the aisle of a grocery store trying to figure out which container the black pepper is in. I mean, I'm not going to die. Most young people speak at least a little bit of English, and those who don't, I know a few words so I can say how many bags I want or I can gesture or point. But the isolation you feel is phenomenal. I can't join the conversations that Nathan has with the shop owners, I can't make jokes with the cashier at the grocery story. I can't ask for directions or even ask for a shirt in a different size. Being quite a social person, it makes you feel like an entire piece of you has been taken away. Suddenly you don't quite feel like you anymore.

It's also made me feel kind of stupid. Spanish people are very friendly, they're happy to be chatty while they help you in the store, or cook your food. So when Nathan is talking to them, they look at me every once in a while as if to say "Do you have anything to add to this conversation?" And I feel like an idiot. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am actually smart. I graduated from what is objectively described as the most difficult undergrad program, and then started working in transplants, an area that is hard and requires a lot of critical thinking and quick decision making. But when I can't say "Where is the bread?" I don't feel smart. You start feeling like you're stuck in this little bubble that no one can get in, and you definitely can't get out of. I don't always feel like a whole person here.

I'm sure it'll get better. Even if it doesn't, I truly do love being here. I'm happy and really enjoying our adventures. But sometimes you just wish you had a little more control over your life.